One night, about 8 years ago, I woke up at 4 am, scared. I felt small, confused and uncertain about my place in the world. I was in recovery from a serious illness yet watching my Breathwork practice grow so fast that it unnerved me. I was becoming a leader in my local town in Bali, attracting people who wished me to lead a community, and frightened by the prospect.
I took out my laptop and began to write. I asked God several questions, and the answers that come are quite beautiful. Now, finding this eight years later, the answers are as valuable to me as they were on that night I sat under the Bali moon. I am sharing this with you because I believe it speaks to all of us.
Dear God
I don’t know if my brain can really stretch to this. I don’t know If I am able to stand tall enough. Be my guide and let me know of ways to improve, to remain faithful to your wish for me here.
Is it that I am building relevance out of dreams? Is it possible that I am Don Quixote, chasing windmills? Am I just some dreaming idiot who is using the last of his productive years trying to bring people together in an effort to correct dysfunctions of his past?
Well, you thoroughly human being, it is normal that you would ask such things. What else is there – when your path is clear – than doubt? What is there in your world that is not the marriage of resistance and persistence? Even moving through the air invites it.
So, greet your doubt as just that, the air that parts to allow you through. Be refreshed by it as you would greet a breeze on a hot day. Have compassion for that part of you that feels such things, what you call your ego, and love it in its simple quest to survive and thrive. It is not necessarily against your interest but in search of its own. And knowing it, loving it without needing to change its course is the quickest way to let it know it’s not under threat. So, value your doubt as you would a signpost on a lonely quiet road in the forest. It shows you something, the next stage, and for that, you can be grateful.
And dear God – what should I do about the community? Am I serving you by the pursuits I am doing? Is it right for me to finance this project on my own? Can you give me a sign? What should I do?
It is right. For as you do not know what letters will appear on this page, neither do you know where the next turn will be. You are required only to trust and behave with nobility. All else will be handled. Seek the depth of your call, and bring others into that awareness, and such considerations will become what you call no-brainers. These are not new words to you, although they may take on a new proportion. Trust.
Dear God I have never sat here before and done this. How do I know it’s you?
Do you even know what you will ask me next? What do you know? Will an answer that flows through your own fingers tell you any more than you know now? Why not wait and see? For now, you can write, later you will understand. There is no need to reach anywhere at this point, just to make sure each step is taken with care and love in your heart. This will show and lead others where you need to go.
Does that mean that things could change, that I could be making a mistake?
There is no such thing as a mistake, except in your interpretation. Only this evening you spoke of your understanding that the pain you suffered last year was all a preparation for who you are now. There is no need to question any more than that. You are already perceived as pure love. You already are. There is only good in that.
Even the dysfunctions you refer to in your past were designed to carve you into who you are now. There is no need to run from them or be run by them. They were there for you, not against you. Always remember that your interpretation of any event at the time will keep evolving after that time has ended. It is just part of your human illusion to seek to fix things firmly. Be flexible and allow the unfolding of what is.
Are there things I should be doing that I am not doing?
Just perfect your listening. As you are doing now, asking and reflecting. This is your path. There is no need to advertise, as there are many who wish for exactly as you do, who share your vision. Study what you can to support healthy relating so when the time comes your example will be a guide for others, just as it is now. These people look up to you, not because you boast, but because you practice.
What about the people I have hurt in the past.
You may ask their forgiveness at any time. And you may forgive yourself too when you are ready. In the meantime, any sense of urgency you have may be laudable, although not necessarily relevant, For those you have ‘hurt’ have needed those experiences for themselves as well, instead of against them. They were a necessary part of their path to bring them to where they are now. Waste not your time when you can be in my light as a beacon in this moment. Do not be distracted.
What about the pain in my body?
This is a simple preparation for you to leave the body behind. Each time you feel it you may wish to consider this. That you are moving on, leaving the past behind, and the pain is your vehicle. Learn to ride it well, learn to love it as your teacher and there will be more to come. For just as the pain in your heart stretches its capacity to love, the pain in your body stretches you to live through the passage of death and come always closer to me.
Does this make me any different than anyone on this planet?
Not really. Why, should it?
It’s not that I seek to be different. I have always wondered why I have felt on the edge of things. I have learned to live my whole life that way, as one tolerated if not ignored. Why do I now feel like the center of the lives of so many? Why do I have so many who look to me for guidance and advice?
Because you are pure Anthony. You have always had the knowing. You have always known that you had it. For many years when you hid from your knowing you were still fulfilling the path your remembering required. Your escapades away from spirituality were still spiritual exercises. They were all part of your training.
Even the things I did wrong?
You did no wrong. These are human words that have no spiritual meaning. You have been taught to give them a weight they do not deserve. Try to see things as all varying qualities of love. Notice I say qualities, not quantities. The nature of quantitative judgment calls for the determination of what is wrong or right. That’s not my language.
Where are these words coming from? How do I know they come from you?
You may know they come through you. That is enough. You have mentioned many times that you do not remember what you write. Why question any more? Where do you think they come from? Why resist what waits for you when you can celebrate it instead?
What of Marianne (name changed)? What is my journey with her about?
Must I reduce the mystery of your life for you to learn? Watch her, listen to her, and divine why she is there for you. I can tell you that you are in for a ride to places you have not even dreamed of.
Is it appropriate that I consider her my partner for your work?
She is my work! And she is yours too!
I have thanked you openly and in public for bringing her to me. I haven’t thanked you privately though. Thank you.
You are most welcome and most deserving – just remember she is there for you, not against you.
Are you saying things will get challenging?
Are they not already? Are you not already aware of how she calls you into your own greatness? Are you feeling restricted or expanded right now?
Expanded.
Then you have your answer. All your challenges, if you greet them with pure intent and a heart that is soft and open, will help you grow more and more into the light. You may need to question this, or feel doubt, yet if you remember the nature of doubt and what it shows you, you will be just fine. Trust, remember?
Thank you for your attention.
Yes, well you can thank yourself too. You are the one that got out of bed, aren’t you?
Thank you, God, for your kindness. Whether you are out there or in me, or in the air I breathe, they all seem like mental concepts, but right now I do feel you present. I don’t know how you can handle all the human requests you get – but I am grateful that you have spent some time with me.
Any time!
Really?
Of course. I am available anytime you need to talk to me. Just make sure your need is matched by a capability to listen.
Maybe we will be able to continue then when I have more questions?
Of course. I am here. You only need to notice me.
Goodnight.
